Got a toothbrush?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
