Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
