Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
