I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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