the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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