dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
