**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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