my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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