I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
