im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
