I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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