she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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