Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
