what day is it and did you see me today?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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