your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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