Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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