Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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