i barfeds in our rink
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
