I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
