OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
