My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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