Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
