And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
