Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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