There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
