i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
