I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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