nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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