Don't make out with my wife yet
Michael Bay diarrhea
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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