He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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