Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
