the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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