Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
