dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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