somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
