Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The Olympian is in my bed
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