I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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