I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
