That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
