hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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