Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
