Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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