I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I did not marry a roomba.
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