My sheets look like a crime scene.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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