I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
