You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
