Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
