what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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