Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
