I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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