An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
