3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
