Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
