my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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