at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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