I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just want to make out with him forever
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
