we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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