I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize