i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
