woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
