im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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