I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
two words: eviction party
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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