What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
