i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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