HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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