hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
